This is a good mantra, it isn’t just about poly, it’s about communication within any relationship.
Many of us have never really learned good communication skills as we grow up and many more of us have developed what can only be described as bad communication habits as we get older. So it’s first important to understand what good communication should look like and take action to break our bad behaviour habits if we truly wish to grow.
Good communication is not a one trick pony that only needs to happen once and never be thought about or only brought up when it’s broken. It takes constant practice, self evaluation and acceptance that we will screw up from time to time.
It can however be achieved more consistently by constantly monitoring our own communication habits and implementing good ongoing practices, such as regular mini discussions, periodically checking in and situation post-mortems. It’s even possible to arrange times to have heated debates and arguments, doing so often defuses conflict before it erupts with devastating consequences.
But for this to really work and pay dividends, we need to cross the first and most important hurdle standing before us all.
Owning one’s own shit, it’s an amazing life skill and one not often seen. Yet the ability to do such a simple thing is so incredibly powerful and can really help making the task of negotiating an relationship challenges so much easier.
So what does it mean to “own one’s own shit”?
It’s about taking responsibility, it’s about learning to understand, being able to take a step back so we can perform balanced analysis and diagnosis upon ourselves and the state of our current emotions.
I’m not going to attempt to go into the detail within this post, but I am planning to try and lay the foundations for a series of further posts about some key areas covering the following;
- Negative feelings are okay
- No one makes us feel
- Emotions are yours alone
- Other people’s shit
- Talk, don’t judge
- Listen to hear
- Mind reading
- Being brave, bring stuff up
- Communication aftercare
- Recap to reinforce understanding