Jealousy – Face the facts

Envy versus Jealousy

No matter how good you or your partners think you are at being open and polyamorus there is bound to be a time that you feel jealous.

The key with jealousy is not avoiding or denying it, but dealing with it when it arrives. Don’t ignore it, don’t shut it away in the back of your mind, it will grow.

Talking about jealousy is extremely important because it matters. It will affect everyone in the relationships.

Listening to other people’s fears and feelings about jealousy is even more critical, being dismissive is unhelpful and liable to exacerbate the issue, so don’t do it, just listen and learn.

It’s also worth understanding the difference between jealousy and envy, these two feelings often get mixed up when they go on a mental rampage.

Envy is often described as a two-person situation whereas jealousy is a three-person situation.

  • Envy is a reaction to lacking something.
  • Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something.

It’s often the case within polyamory, that a feeling of envy triggers a cascade into feelings of jealousy.

Identifying this behavior within yourself early is a tough skill but worth learning, seeing the same behaviour in others is a little more tricky, but possible with practice and patience.

Envy and jealousy are known relationship killers, don’t let them damage your precious relationships. Be brave and expose them at the earliest opportunity.

7 thoughts on “Jealousy – Face the facts

  1. You know, you’ve gotten to the point where you’ve had enough experiences, and have learned from them, that people new to poly ought to pay close attention to what you say. We’ve gotten to know you a bit, and in our ‘umble opinion, you really know what you’re talking about. We also think that you’re a modest person, in the sense that, you don’t go around saying, “I’m a wise person!” And you know what I’m talking about here: anyone who thinks that they’re some incredibly wise sage is an ass. I write this, because you ought think about collecting your thoughts and experiences into one text, how ever long, about poly. This is no easy task. And as I write, I’m thinking, we do a lot of wrting and text editing here; we’d help you should you consider it.

    About jealousy and envy: in a general sense, I don’t experience either. However, there was one time back in the 1980s when I was seeing a woman who I’d met on the rebound after my first threesome broke up. She was erotically talented, let me say. There’s that ‘jump right out of the pot right into the fire’ sense of fragility that comes when you’re in rebound (and I’m thinking of that great song “Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol – link below) and I was fragile, as brittle as a dry twig. I went to milady’s one night after being depressed all day, only to find that she’d gone to see another guy she was having sex with. I was angry and down, and when she came back, she smelled like him. She knew right away what was up, and we had a Little Chat. We – mostly I – worked through it. Ultimately, it turned out that she was thoroughly toxic as a person, and I left; but she understood jealousy well enough to help me. The point being, no-one is free from the Green-Eyed One, no-one, and in keeping with the poly ideal of total openness and honesty, it’s best to get this out in the open as soon as possible. Most excellent post, sir!


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Roy, it means a lot. I’m not perfect, I screw up but I learn.
      I started my own business back in 1998 and found a perfect company moto, which pretty much sums up my take on life.
      “It’s what your learn after you know it all that really counts.”
      I aim to learn something new everyday, especially if it makes me better.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, man, great motto! I learn something new every day whether I like it or not! The offer goes about you writing, perhaps ‘some day.’ Your call!

        Also, I had the wrong song with Billy Idol – I was thinking of David Johansen. Talk about learning from my mistakes 😛

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey There!
    I wanted to thank you for describing the difference between envy and jealousy. I don’t think I quite understood it until now. The wonderful thing is, I now know I wasn’t jealous, simply envious of something I thought might have been lacking in my relationship but was present in another. Master and I talk constantly and we go over how I am feeling on a near daily basis. I don’t think either one of us realized the difference. Your advice is great for those entering into the poly or open lifestyle. I think I’ve given some of it myself. Again Thanks!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Hi maeve, I’m a Yank friend of TK, and let me tell you, he knows his stuff. So you know, I’m one of three – I’m Roy of Roy, Sara Jane and Ceannt ~ “We come from dreams!”

        Liked by 1 person

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