The male unicorn

The male unicorn

As I’m sure you are aware, there is a concept within modern sexual culture about unicorns.

This term is generally used to describe an attractive, bisexual, single woman (who isn’t too crazy and likely to become a bunny boiler), and who would be delighted to join a couple for a threesome with no strings attached.

That combination, while not being impossible is extremely difficult to find. Hence the term unicorn is applied because they are basically a rare and mythical creature.

You may have noticed lately that there appears to be another class of individuals that women are lamenting doesn’t really exist and has been similarly labelled.

The title of “unicorns” can now also be applied to men that are between the ages of 35 and 60. They need to be attractive, smart, professional, successful, confident, heterosexual and ideally still sexually potent, they should also be looking for a long term, committed and monogamous relationship.

These illusive creatures are the “happily ever-after guys”.

Within the dating pool these men are becoming increasingly rarer and almost impossible to find. Such men are not dying, being body snatched or turning gay, so why are they so tough to find?

I personally suspect that it’s just that current social expectations are changing and changing quicker than people can adapt. It amazes me how quickly what we defined as sexual norms can change.

Within the last 20 years we moved from monogamy being the only option to it being one of many options men are now considering for the second half of their lives (me included).

I believe that men in general are becoming increasingly gun-shy of getting locked into an exclusive commitment, especially single men over 35 who are currently available in the dating pool and are often recently out of messy divorces. Like most divorces, these individuals have been heavily beaten up and bruised by the process.

Breakups in general are emotionally draining and more often than not very expensive.

It’s fair to say that many of these marriages were often sexually unsatisfying (or sexless), and both parties felt trapped by social expectations, children, and assumed social conventions. So once the upheaval and heartache of a marriage breakdown and breakup is over the last thing these people are interested in is getting back into an exclusive relationship.

Many men have felt that they couldn’t grow within the confines of the relationship they had just left and that includes growing sexually. They are as a whole still interested in women and most certainly still interested in sex but they are not interested in trying the storybook ending again anytime soon. These newly single men want to play, maybe date, have some fun and perhaps look at alternative relationship models beyond the socially accepted dyadic structure. In short, they have played by the rules defined by society and found it to be somewhat unfulfilling.

I personally don’t think it makes them players (unless they aren’t being completely truthful about their intentions to date more than a single partner), but they have realised that going back to sex with only one partner isn’t really that appealing. These men are more often than not your usual stand up guys. They have no issues taking care of their kids, are happy to buy dinner and will treat their prospective partners with respect and love. They still want intimacy and a connection but find themselves overly guarded about women who want to restrict and pin them down into typical dyadic relationships again.

For me personally, I not sure that I fall in love with a partner immediately, but I do fall in love with how a partner makes me feel and that for me is defined as falling in love.

I suspect that for a man to really feel relaxed enough to truly fall in love, they need to feel that a partner isn’t trying to railroad them towards the the fairy tale “happily ever-after” ending that has failed in the past and caused so much pain. They are just looking for the  kind of partner who looks good and likes sex, maybe even something a bit different or racey.

Lets face it, we live in a era of over 53% divorce rates, the track record for monogamy has been less than amazing recently. Social and public views are changing as people talk openly about swinging, polyamory, or some form of friend with benefits arrangement while maintaining a primary relationship. I should add that this doesn’t mean that marriage and long-term relationships are dead, just that the rules are changing.

Everyone is still looking for love, but it may not be the classic exclusive love of our parent’s generation and among those who are married, only 38 percent actually describe themselves as happy in that state.

Thanks to the internet, smart phones and apps, we now as a society have more dating and hook –up opportunities and options  than at any other time in human history, with thousands of desperate men and women finding themselves just a click or swipe right away from a date. This is now making the concept of commitment and fidelity  even more of a challenge. Especially when you consider that two out of five people believe that marriage is actually an outdated and obsolete institution.

So how does a conventional single girl or boy go about dating in the modern world without getting your heart broken?

Firstly you need to start by letting go of the dream and fantasy of how things should be, and start looking at what you really want, need and desire.

Try reading books like Sex at Dawn, The Ethical Slut, Why Men Love Bitches, Mating in Captivity and More than two. You may find that modern love may open up some new possibilities for relationships, love and intimacy.

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4 thoughts on “The male unicorn

  1. Before we became a trio, Sara and I had been in a couple of short-term relationships which today we’d call “flings.” The third person was looking to capture us and we closed the show. What we learned from each other was to be open and honest. At this point we’re beginning to believe that we can attract others of like mind, sort of along the lines of “water seeking its own level.” As in David Crosby’s 1968 song Triad:

    “Sister lovers / water brothers
    And in time / maybe others”

    Yeah! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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