Dear new poly couple

Couple kissing - Dear New Poly Couple

Dear new poly couple,

Glad you’ve found us and welcome to the amazing new world of ethical non-monogamy and polyamory.

It’s probably a bit exciting right now, maybe scary, definitely exhilarating, somewhat tense, majorly thrilling, and many other word that you can’t possibly think of right now.

So take your seat on this new emotional roller coaster, climb aboard and fasten your seat belts, keep your arms and legs inside the carriage at all times.

I would guess you’ve probably already talked about what you want as a couple, which is great, you’ve begun laying down some ground rules that are carefully designed to make sure that each of you are both comfortable and your relationship is safe.

You may have even dipped your toe in the water already with a few threesome’s or something more, excellent!

So now, you’re all set to go out together as a couple and find a bisexual woman to join your terrific relationship, someone who’ll love both of you and just be what you both need. Right?

No, not really…

You might not actually know it yet, but you’re about to enter the ranks of the unicorn hunter’s

STOP RIGHT THERE!

You may not know what a unicorn hunter is. Or you might even know what it is, and are feeling pretty offended that I’ve dared to suggest that you might be one. That’s okay, it happens a lot around here and you now have an informed choice to make.

So let’s be clear, just in case you don’t know what a “unicorn hunter” is, it’s a partner(s) in an established couple, of a heterosexual man and bisexual woman, that is planning to go out in search of a bisexual woman. Their sole aim is to find someone who will be open to a relationship with both of them and be added to their existing relationship.

This special person will see only them and no one else, they will need to love them both equally and agree to all the rules that the pre-existing couple have already decided are healthy for protection of their relationship.

Sigh….

This wonderful creature will be expected to fit in to their relationship without it changing and if the couple feel that she’s not following any of their rules, she’s out, to protect “The Couple”.

There’s a reason they’re called “unicorns” – because they’re pretty much non existent.

There’s also a reason why we call the couple “Unicorn Hunters” – they’re misguided and generally toxic to poly relationships.

Please don’t get me wrong , I’m not suggesting that their aren’t plenty of women who are excited to do threesomes, or live in a triad, as the partner of both a man and a woman. But there’s a difference between wanting to be in a triad and the victim of “Unicorn Hunting”.

The main difference between people looking for a triad and Unicorn Hunters is that Unicorn Hunters tend to look at the third partner as an addition to their relationship, instead of realising that you’re creating a brand new relationship, with three people instead of two.

Here’s a quick quide on the right way to approach non monogamy as a couple – Do it right the first time

  1. Interconnected relationships
    • Triads are not the only relationship shape
    • Multiple people relationships are complex
    • Everyone in a poly relationship structure must have a say in how they fit in
    • Moving from a two person relationship into a three person relationship, doesn’t just mean you have one more person, you have two more relationships, including your relationship with everyone else’s relationship.
  2. Rules, Boundaries, Agreements
    • No Rules
    • State desires and needs
    • Make requests
    • Don’t dictate, discuss
  3. Wants, Needs and Desires
    • Use specific criteria to search for what you want, but remain open to what you might find.
    • State expectations repeatedly.
    • When a new ones crop up, say them out loud.
    • Never assume that everyone is on the same page, this is often not the case.
    • Allow expectations to shift as situations change.
  4. Protect Your Existing Relationship
    • You don’t, expect relationships to change, especially in polyamory
    • Veto’s don’t work
    • Security through Investment. You don’t remain secure or “Protect the Preexisting Relationship” by limiting what happens with others
    • Don’t ignore or deprioritise your existing partner
    • Continually invest in your preexisting relationship.
  5. Communicate
    • Share “Deal-Breakers” early.
    • When something truly is non-negotiable, it needs to be first date material.
    • Don’t over-dramatise points, a simple, clear statement should always suffice.
    • Complete disclosure – Be congruent, open, and honest with each person you are in relationship with.
    • If you ever feel you can’t communicate openly, its likely that the relationship is broken and needs to be repaired or discarded.
  6. Be Fair
    • Don’t put restrictions on people who don’t exist, or ones who do
    • Allow each relationship to grow into it’s own, natural expression and at it’s own pace.
    • Fairness does not mean Equality.
    • Treat people with kindness and understanding.
    • Every person involved is equally important as a human being, even if they don’t have equal significance in your life.
    • Don’t act as if you are entitled to a privileged position, or one relationship is entitled to privilege over another.
    • Avoid quid pro quo negotiations, these situations normally highlight underlying problems.
  7. Date Separately
    • Don’t start out by dating together i.e. “Don’t be Unicorn Hunters”.
    • If you date separately each person will have a higher chance of finding what you are looking for
    • Stop trying to find one magical person to fulfill  two distinct and often contradictory roles.
    • You just might get lucky and find someone who likes your partner and you will have found your natural fit triad

So what more can I say, make that informed decision, unicorns are often found, but should not be hunted.

Additional Sources;

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8 thoughts on “Dear new poly couple

  1. It’s funny. My husband and I explored poly as a couple, but never ever thought about findinf someone for both of us. It’s just like we’re both single and have room forwhatever comes the way – as individuals not as a couple. If a unicorn comes the way – alright, but not especially wanted. It’s so amazing how diverse the poly world is and how many possibilitie there are. Than you for your beautiful blog! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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