Being child free & Polyamory

Polyamory and a family

I made a decision a long time ago to not have my own children. As a young woman when I have voiced this decision it is generally met by a range of responses “you’ll change your mind”, “it’s different when they are your own”, “you’ll never know true love until to have children” and many more.

I could make a bingo card with all the cliché responses I have heard over the years.

However, not wanting my own off-spring doesn’t mean I don’t want children in my life. Polyamory has offered a new way for me to achieve this without them actually being mine.

I spent this past weekend with my boyfriend and his two minions (his name for them not mine) as his wife/my metamour was away and he wanted a hand to look after them.

Frankly I was terrified of the idea (though thinking back I’m pretty sure I offered my help…) I’ve never spent much time around kids, even when I was a child I hated being around other children, but this weekend turned out to be really lovely, albeit crazy, hectic, noisy etc.

Being new to polyamory, this is one of the benefits I never really thought about. I love my boyfriend, I care for my metamour and their kids are a huge part of their lives. Having the opportunity to spend time with them, watch them grow up and be around to lend a hand makes me extremely happy.

I have no idea what the future holds for all of us, but polyamory has opened up a new path for me which I had never before considered. I’m actually looking forward to spending more (short periods of) time with the kids and the family as a whole. It makes me feel like a part of something wonderful.

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5 thoughts on “Being child free & Polyamory

  1. Your post gave me a wry smile. As a man I could not know from the inside the pressures you were under to breed. I deliberately chose that word ‘breed’ simply because our patriarchal culture sees women as little more than a farmer would view his livestock – horses, say; studs and breeding mares. My future ex-wife and I were under family and social pressure to get married for ten years, and after marriage, another five years of “When ya gonna have kids?” We should have never gotten married. We were immature and understood very little about it. We both had the examples of our parents’ marriages (horrible!) and those of our friends (not much better), but we ignored the ‘evidence’ which was all around us. We should have never had children either, although today, I’m very happy that I have the two we bore in my life. (As a side note, my daughter is poly also – and no kids, thank kew!) That’s what caused my ‘wry smile.’ I could have gotten out of our relationship a number of times but lacked the courage and the self-esteem to so do. I lacked the courage because there was a lovely guy who cared a lot about me and to this day we both believe we could have made a go of things as a gay couple; but this was back in the late 1960s and pairing up with someone of your own gender was strictly forbidden by law, society, our families etc. I say I lacked the self-esteem because I felt that I could have done no better than I had in my choice of mates, although after we parted ways there were a number of women and a couple of guys who said, in so may words, “Hey, I wish that I’d known – I’d have been on you like dirty on a duck!”
    As for my kids, well, after I got out from under the ball and chain, I decided that I wanted MINE and spent a good fifteen years getting laid, drunk and high as all fuck; my children were peripheral to my life. This was my great sin, because they needed me in those years and didn’t have me. Eventually, events turned that they wound up living with me after my great carnival-ride of self-indulgence. While we were living together – fairly well, considering – I had an opportunity to take some Ecstasy with my (current) female mate Sara and after the peak, my daughter asked if she could come i and talk with me. Now I should add that this stuff, when used properly, is a great way to be open and honest with yourself and with others, and at that point, That’s how we rolled. Make no mistake, I’ve done my share of STUPID with drugs, but from 2001 on, it was different. Need I say, this isn’t for everyone? 😛 But that night, my daughter sat down and she began to list all of the bed things that I’d done. the bad ways in which I wasn’t a parent. Normally, I wouldn’t have been able to bear such a thing, but I accepted everything that she said with equanimity – and promised to to do better. It took me another……12 years?……. to get to the point to where she told me that I HAD changed for the better. That, my friend, was priceless.
    Today, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like had I paired up with that guy. The reality is otherwise and I’m happy with that. If you’re young, my advice is, DO NOT have children of your own if that’s what your heart tells you. After all, you’re not a breeding animal, you’re a PERSON. End of rant!

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